Originally published at Honest Lies. Comment here or there.

So it’s Sunday night already (December too) and I’m avoiding doing homework. This week went by quickly. I’ve spent the past few days as if it’s holidays, lazing about and sleeping a lot. It’s pretty bad because I actually have school tomorrow yet I’m in in the mindset (and routine) of it being holidays.

Mock exam week was pretty pointless. I gave up caring after the first day.

The only thing coming up this week is on Tuesday I have another uni interview and tour. I’m not that nervous as my interview in Glasgow went OK. I travelled up there on Wednesday and it was possibly the longest most boring journey ever (OK, that’s a lie because the flight to south Africa is 12 hours and by the end of that you’re pretty much ready to jump out the plane but w/e). I did travel through the lake district though and it was very pretty.  I passed through some wilderness where it was snowing too which was exciting! Also my new mp3 player is awesome and I managed to watch intimate note and Exploring the Human body episodes and listen to music to pass the time.

Glasgow is a nice city. I got there about an hour an a half before i had to be at the university so I wondered around the city center. I felt a bit out of my depth- like a lost child in a big city, but I didn’t get lost. I really underestimated myself  when it came to getting to the place which was partly the reason I ended up with so much free time. The only time I got lost was trying to find the university building i was supposed to be at, then I felt like an idiot because i hung around pacing outside the building until i got the courage to go in, and again hung outside the department until someone spotted me and invited me in. I had to sit through yet another talk about how important this decision is and you’ve got to choose your subject carefully. I couldn’t help but wonder that we don’t need that kind of talk because we’ve already applied. The fact I had gotten up at 6am that morning finally started taking its toll on me as  it was a struggle to concentrate.

Then looked around the university. I stuck with this Chinese girl without ever saying anything to her. I wonder if she realised I was gluing myself (a careful distance) away from her side- because alot of other people were with parents, and everyone else apart from us were Scottish. After the tour was the dreaded interview. Turns out it was really informal and the guy talked more than me!! And by this time I had gone past anxiety, nerves and I was in a happy place. I don’t even know what I said- i was just talking without any real thought if you get what I mean. I remember laughing a lot….

I must have said the right things because he liked me and I got in so I guess my rambling was not quite as unintelligent and embarrassing  as I thought.  Afterwards i sat with the group of the other people there and the past students and again, I amazingly didn’t make a fool out of myself.

It went really well. I was quite shocked at how well. (Though it bugs me I can’t remember what I said. I can’t shake the feeling I possibly said too much  :/ )

I got back to the station after almost getting lost (it had to happen at some point) and sat an read for about an hour before got on the train back home. There were a couple of gangsters sitting opposite me drinking,  and sneaking off to the bathrooms to smoke which didn’t make the way home pleasant. Also I was pretty much dead by that point. The way home always feels longer too and I found myself counting down the stations until I reached mine.  I was so exhausted  and spent Thursday and Friday recovering. On Thursday I had an exam which was luckily in the afternoon, though I should have gotten up and crammed for it. But I just slept in till 11:30am and somehow managed to drag myself in later. I was really out of it throughout the exam and afterwards. My music lesson on Friday as well my teacher  noticed I seemed tired.

Scotland is far away~

And that is about the only interesting thing that has happened these past few days. Hopefully Sheffield won’t exhaust me as much as Glasgow did and I’ll blog about it on the day ^^

(Though I can still remember random things from Wednesday like preening in the toilets before the interview and this random lady started talking to me and me in my half-dazed state giving her some vague, non-committal answers and feeling like a total cow afterwards. And hanging out in front of some other toilets waiting to corner someone to get change and the fact I think I took all that guys change so he couldn’t get in- thus feeling embarrassed afterwards. And feeling self-conscious of my non-Scottish accent ordering lunch in subway. etc etc)

Originally published at Honest Lies. Comment here or there.

Replaced “we” with “I” (and where is the “even”?). I’m not looking forward to next year, but damn do I want this to be over already. Got my first uni interview tommorow and I’ve been in full panic mode since this afternoon. Got another uni interview on Tuesday. And school is going badly (oh mocks, how badly they are going. I know so little.) It just all makes me want to scream and cry and hit things- repeatedly.

Originally published at Honest Lies. Comment here or there.

I want to do things, a part of me is so awake right now but my body and all the other parts of my mind are just exhausted. (It’s amazing what a few hours of school does to a person.) So I sit and listen to music and waste time.  Hopefully I can find the energy to atleast look over my notes later for exam tomorrow.

I’m not feeling well. I haven’t been feeling well for days now, and I can feel I’m on the edge of getting worse and I really can’t be ill right now. I have mock exams this week, uni interview this week, and another interview next week. I really can’t afford to be sick. It sucks though because I don’t feel nice and although it’s not the sort of illness where I can’t get out of bed or function properly, it’s enough that I need to put a little more effort into doing things. I’m listless, lifeless, light-headed and the feeling of gonna-throw-up won’t go away. I can’t eat without feeling nasty but even when I don’t eat I feel bad. It’s annoying!

Exams were awful today. I was expecting them to be bad but there’s a difference between the expectation and when it actually happens; the latter is always just a little worse. In the morning I came late so had to walk into a quiet exam hall by myself, then i realised I’d left my calculator in my bag and had to get up to go get it, and I’d forgotten a pen so had to borrow one. I was so out of it and the exam was just terrible: could only answer one or two questions. I’m going to do so badly. ugh. Even worse I’d forgotten a coat so had to walk home in far too little for a day like this. It’s cold, the sort of cold that is difficult to escape from. I came home after the first exam and I remembered a thicker coat when I came back in for my second exam and even then I was cold. I went into the coffee shop after school had ended and bought a cup of the most gorgeous hot chocolate ever to treat myself ^_^  It burnt my tongue but I was warm. Plus the girl gave me marshmallows and chocolate flakes for free and I only saved like 30p but you know coffee shop hot chocolate is so overpriced that is kind of awesome.

So yes, the second exam was worse in a way; because I couldn’t even answer one question. I swear we haven’t even been taught half the stuff that was on the paper- and that is kind of scary. Judging by the looks on other peoples faces (groups do the same exams at different times) I am thinking my chemistry and physics are also going to be evil reincarnate.

I want this week to be over yet I don’t. That makes no sense but nothing makes no sense right now. Failing at life x_x

Originally published at Honest Lies. Comment here or there.

I am sitting here not doing my work, choosing to aimless surfing the Internet instead (and now blog, obviously). I have two mock exams tomorrow and yet I know I don’t know anything- so why bother? I honestly think it’s a hopeless situation. Or maybe I, like always, find it easier not to try.

They are only mock exams.

Although that’s not to say I won’t try for any of them. Maths is a hopeless situation but hopefully I can do minimal physics and chemistry revision. I want to do OK in my physics especially. I have already done bits and pieces of revision for both subjects which thankfully means I’m not entirely clueless, just almost :P Maths on the other hand… it’s a hopeless situation.

One thing I am worried about the most is definitely Wednesday aka university interview of doom. I went through a what am I going to wear?! crisis and I’m currently going through what will I say?! crisis. Fuck mock exams, this is weighing on my mind and taking all my attention.

Subject change for Happy news time! My dad bought me a new mp3 player! I had asked for one earlier and he had said no, but I should have known my dads personality. He is a little devious about things. He keeps things to himself, or tells you “no” when really he will be going behind your back and doing it anyway. I’m not sure how to feel about this- on one hand you get the happiness of surprise because it’s always a complete surprise (you can never see it coming) yet on the other you are left slightly annoyed because you had thought he meant no and you still had to feel that disappointment (and I also feel guilty for secretly hating on him when he said no.) You also get great things like how he’ll only tell you he’s going away for 4 weeks a few days before he does. My dad is a very sneaky person. He’s quiet in that way that makes you wonder what he’s thinking sometime >_>

Either way he randomly came up to me talking about how Christmas was coming early and then gave me a package which I had no idea what it was- and off course I’m not the best at putting two and two together so couldn’t guess correctly- and turns out he bought me a brand new 4GB Sony walkman. IT IS SO SEXY. Easy to use, small in size, gorgeous high quality color screen and best of all: it plays videos! As much as I adored my old mp3 player I’ve always wanted to be able to watch videos on the go. I mean I have been on so many long train journeys, and have alot coming up too because of trips to see universities. Music is lovely but it can get boring you know? I also was able to watch Exploring the Human body episode 12 this morning after I’d woken up: when I’d woken up too late and was still sleepy and couldn’t be bothered doing anything else. It was lots and lots of fun! the program and the fact I’m watching it without turning my computer on, that once I’ve loaded what I want on the player I’ve got two of my favourite things whenever I want: variety shows, music videos and music.

The only downside is my upcoming train journey is 4 hours there and back and the battery life on the walkman when watching videos is only 6 hours.  I’m going to have to plan carefully. XD

Originally published at Honest Lies. Comment here or there.

After last weird entry I am back for another one. Too many emoticons and brackets coming up because I am happy! Today sucked in so many ways but man, I AM SO FREAKING HAPPY. Everything has gone rather well today. Still failing lessons, the day went on far too long and it was far too cold plus I had forgotten my dinner money thus survived on two cereal bars for 5 hours (=the whole school day) but other than that things went well today. I’m almost waiting for the moment the happiness wears off and I become super-depressed. I just shouldn’t feel this good; I’m bordering on annoying myself with this overflowing positivity. So the reasons?

Well firstly I received an email from my highest choice university telling me they accepted my offer, obviously it’s conditional but still THEY WANT ME. You have no idea how happy I am about this. I did my weird little jump in my seat followed by happy dance thing. (Not that I do that regularly like say over idols or anything, I’m not weird like that.) I was also ecstatic as this means my top two choices have replied to me and both have reached out and said they want me, with conditions of course but I have a chance. I might be going somewhere after all! I grabbed my phone and texted me friend… she didn’t reply. ARGH.

Secondly I went out about an hour ago to the shops for junk food as there isn’t anything substantial in the house. I guess I also had a lot of excess energy I needed to work off, so I took the long way there and back. It’s very quiet this time of night, barely any cars and no people about so although it’s cold it’s very relaxing to just walk through the empty streets and allow the mind to wander around a bit. I also phoned my sister, as along with my best friend she is one of the people I desperately wanted to tell about university. I was planning to slip it into the conversation all smoothly but typically it didn’t go like that. It was a little awkward actually. She was really suspicious as to why I phoned, she was like “go back home” thinking I had run away again XD I had to convince her that I was just calling for the sake of calling. Then she told me she’d call back later as she was watching TV- crushing my confidence. She did call back and we randomly chatted with far too many pauses between. I’m not good with random conversation and I’m left thinking maybe I shouldn’t have bothered. Overall, the whole thing doesn’t inspire me to randomly call again. Still nice to hear her voice and be able to tell her that I got in. :D

She also says she’s been planning my 18th birthday present since I’ve been 15. I am curious and somewhat creeped. I did go away knowing what to get her to Christmas, and for some stupid reason I joked with her to get me a new mp3 player for Christmas in return. Yet I said it way too seriously. I feel I should say I was only joking, yet I’m not sure if she was also kidding when she said she’d look into it.

Wow, that conversation went so wrong. I am never randomly calling anyone ever again. There is a reason I hate phones.

There was another awkward moment during that venture because as I was coming out the shop I spotted my friends parents. I wasn’t 100% sure it was them and I was just kind of watching them and they noticed and were like “hello” and I managed to reply…but I have the feeling I creeped them out somewhat with my staring. :/ This is why I don’t go out. I can’t function! The girl in the shop was also looking at me oddly. Or at least I felt like that. I get really self aware. I like to keep my hood up- it makes me feel safe. Even better is having mp3 player in, and I regretted leaving it at home (so very weird but I am antisocial to the point I feel safer with my hood up and earphones in.)

Third reason to be happy is I finally got to talking about my parents about the other university offer I have had and the fact I’ve already planned to go to Glasgow on my own without them and it went surprisingly well. My dad ordered train tickets for me, and helped me fill out a couple of forms and that was it. It was a pleasant and mature exchange. o_O I am really nervous about the trip. I am going all the way to Glasgow on my own, then I have to get through a interview and just- what do I say? What do I wear? How am I going to get there without getting lost? I was stressing about it a lot throughout the school day. I hadn’t realised it was so close. I saw 2nd December and thought it was ages away but no, IT’S NEXT WEEK.

Oh and we are off school for Thursday, Friday and then the whole of next week. Study leave slash mock exam week. I am not nervous about mocks. I know I’m going to fail. Really to be honest I’m just happy to have the week, and the next two days off school. It’s nice being able to sit here and chill without worrying about tomorrow, because tomorrow I only have to go into school at lunch to see my teacher otherwise I’m free and I can get some freaking sleep (I really need sleep; I feel like a zombie.)

So yes. I am happy. Things are working out OK. I’m waiting for the fall because it’s almost going too well, I am waiting for a rejection letter and to stuff my interview up and to fail my exams coming up in TWO MONTHS (today realised it’s a month till christmas. wth) I’m still really scared. But right now, without thinking too much about anything I am happy.

Also, I love my friends ^__^

Originally published at Honest Lies. Comment here or there.

The title is ridiculously long. I am in this kind of “fuck everything I don’t care” kind of mood- so if it reflects in my post I apologise in advance.

It started with this tweet, inspired by a sudden moment where I thought that maybe I missed being a Jpop fangirl, missed Jpop in general. I listen to mostly Kpop now, with a little bit of Cpop and visual kei. Visual kei doesn’t count as Jpop really (obviously). Not like how I used to follow the mainstream. Now I can’t quite be fucked keeping up with what everyone else seems to like (from what I read- because all music blogs review the same artist. Seriously), and really it actually kind of bores me outside of the occasional scandal (Erika Sawajiri anyone?) and Arashi- because Arashi are awesome and I really need to hurry up and watch more of their shows (what I’ve seen has been fun, like a more high budget, shorter and to the point Korean show…though we all know Korean shows get inspiration from Japan in the first place).

That doesn’t mean I hate Jpop or anything. Just got bored. Now I find myself bored, or rather in a comfortable routine with Kpop I feel I want to get back into it. I want to feel excited about music again, not know what comes next after the second chorus. I’m always listening to the same old thing, and yes it is partly my mp3 player is broken and will only play those songs but it’s also because I come home and then listen to the same damn thing.

Hence I’m now sitting here with my headphones on blasting all the things I used to listen to. Going right back to TommyHeavenly6, then Miyavi, MIRANOSAND, LAST ALLIANCE, KAT-TUN (too many capitals. why the funky way of writing band names Japanese music industry? it kills) and even Hamasaki Ayumi and Suzuki Ami. TommyHeavenly6 was one of my first, and is still a favourite. I just stopped listening to her, moved on so to speak. Listening to her makes me feel 14 again (I feel so old already even though I’ve probably not grown up much since then). MIRANOSAND and LAST ALLIANCE are as incredible as always, and so is Miyavi. KAT TUN is kind of awful but I love them anyway. Hamasaki Ayumi I adore, her old stuff that is. I couldn’t listen to her for a while (months) after the shit she’s been putting out lately (and man how awful she looks on the covers. she’s always been a bit tacky and fake but she can do better than summer days OK? Her new single covers are hideous too :/). This is only the second time I’ve put on her music, when I used to listen to it constantly. I’m enjoying it, and think I’ve gotten over the fact she’s changed and become terrible. Suzuki Ami really isn’t as great as I once thought, though free free remains a great song. I will be trying out various other artists if this other download ever finishes (it doesn’t seem like it will). I do have some un-zipped files which I may touch with a 10 foot pole and hope for the best.

I have nothing much else to do, at least I don’t think I do. All I think I’ve got is a bit of homework for later but otherwise read most of the fanfic I want to read, not much on youtube I want to watch and can’t be bothered shifting through fandom on livejournal (will regret this when I have 500+ entries to go through tomorrow but for now I don’t care-e-e-e-e-e).

Its fun just sitting here doing nothing, thinking of nothing in particular and listening to the things I’d allowed myself to forget. Listening again doesn’t make me feel sad or start wallowing in ~oh so angsty~ past instead I just feel kind of… like I’m 14 (13?) again and just getting into it all again. I’ve been in Jpop, and even Kpop long enough to become cynical about it. It kind of ruins the fun in a way.

It feels good, and more familiar to listen to Japanese for some reason, too. I really love that language, even if I still can’t be bothered to get back in to learning it. Not that I’ve ever made much progress, the farthest I got was to learn all the hiragana then go onto Katakana, get stuck and stop completly.

I have a short attention span, when it comes to anything. I’m really bad at dedicating myself (long term) to things, and it shows in many things, like how little I progressed in learning Japanese and in my music listening habits. I go through long stints of listening to mainly one language- for a while it’s been Korean, now I’m probably shifting through to focus on Japanese for a bit (could be just today, could be weeks to come) then maybe I’ll rediscover how awesome Golf+Mike are and go on a Thai binge.

I’m just like that.

(random entry is random and filled with too many brackets and is slightly incoherent. I’m really out of it right now sorry XD)

Originally published at Honest Lies. Comments off.

I have a crazy amount of work to do right now. All three subjects have suddenly piled it on. Typically, I’ve barely started. I actually forgot about it all yesterday and today I have done some, not enough but at least some. Just physics so far, because I have a test of Tuesday and I don’t know anything. I can remember bits and pieces but this is last years work, my AS resit and I can’t help feel it should come easier than it is. Then again I have a chemistry test on Tuesday as well and I don’t know any of that either. But I’m tired of Chemistry taking all my time (and of chemistry in general) so I dedicated today to cramming for my physics test. Found a system that works for my short attention span-  work,  rest and then rinse and repeat.  Lucky me I also discovered some maths work due tomorrow. Physics is going to have to have to be sacrificed tonight for the sake of trying to get though that. I don’t get how teachers can set huge piles of homework yet still think we can revise for tests. :/

I shall continue to pretend none of this stuff exists until I want it to.

In other news I got my first letter from a university Saturday morning. I have my first interview coming up! Going to go all the way to Glasgow, but my dad agreed to get me a railcard and the university will pay half the train fees which means it shouldn’t cost alot. (I could take my dad and thus go by car but I want to do this on my own. I am going to have to learn how to navigate train times, and read maps and basically deal with stuff without relying on others so much eventually. might as well make it sooner than later. I also think my dad would make me feel even more nervous than if I was on my own for some reason.)  I may have to get the train at 7:30am in order to get there on time though /dead. It’s an interview plus a tour round the university, so I’m hoping it won’t be too formal. I’m still scared. This is one of the universities I actually wouldn’t mind going to- like I really like it and it’s got everything I want. But I’m still not sure what I’d say about why I want to go there, and even less for why I want to study engineering like I do.

I felt rather overwhelmed for a moment yesterday. Last night lying awake waiting to fall asleep I was just mulling it over and I can just see myself failing miserably, saying all the wrong things and there’s that chance gone. They may actually want me and I’ll just mess it up etc etc. I know many people feel the same way bit I just don’t feel ready for all this- you know, university and growing up in general. It’s all moving so fast and I can’t keep up. I’m really fucking scared.

Although I am glad to finally hear back from someone. I hope I get something back soon from the others I applied to. The waiting for rejection or acception is also pretty bad.

Anyway. Now to go finish up what I was doing so I can do more work…

(unrelated: Yesung sounds really really sexy singing Are you Ready? from the Attack of the pin-up boys OST. I love that track so much…though it’s vaguely distracting.)

Originally published at Honest Lies. Comment here or there.

Jaejoong: “We are more happy because this was an award give to us by our fans across Asia. We would like to thank all our domestic and overseas fans who are watching this. And I don’t know if they are watching this or not, but just in case they are, I would like to tell these two friends that I love them. Thank you.”

(credit: jeeelim5@tohosomnia.net for the translation)

This award speech was just too sad and I read that they cried backstage too. ;_; I don’t really know what is going on and I’m not sure what side to take, but I still feel sorry for DBSK nonetheless. They must be going through hell right now.

Originally published at Honest Lies. Comment here or there.

The weather is terrible right now. It’s dark and cold and really, it’s impossible to get up and hard to want to get up in the mornings. As the end of the year approaches, my mood shifts to become a little low; the lack of light, upcoming school ‘deadlines’ and time quickly slipping away till another year when it’s hard to look forward to next year. (Plus Christmas in a month and a few days and I dislike Christmas time. I’m already having moments of homesickness and it’s only gonna get worse.)

Then school. I hated chemistry today. I felt so embarrassed because the work was stuff already done in biology and I’m the only one in the class who doesn’t do biology so the teacher kept stopping to see if I understand and going through things that everyone else knew and I really hate having that attention drawn to myself. I feel like I’m holding the class up, just because I do physics. I love physics, but it would be nice if it interlinked with more of my other subjects. Those rare times it does it’s something we’ve done in the past in physics, or something we did in the past in chemistry. GRR.

It’s like how in citizenship on Wednesday we were discussing British identity and what makes you British and that’s very awkward for me, being not British. I didn’t want to draw attention to my primary nationality and the nationality I will associate myself with if asked but there was no way I could hide it. I think national identity is a state of mind really, but that’s the thing Britain is my home in a sense but it’s not the place I identify with and want to live forever in. So I found it hard to respond to the questions for example what do you miss when you go away, well when I go away I go home so although I miss the comfort of the home (as in house I live in) I’m with my family, and my relatives and I’m home. It was interesting to hear the discussion and peoples opinions about these things, but slightly awkward for myself and a little embrassing.

I hate drawing attention to myself. I like to blend in with the crowd :D

Then university and exams. My letter from UCAS came today finally which confirms that my application for university is been sent off. It’s exciting in a way, I guess it has made it all the more real and it’s good that I’ve got it done. However I’m so scared of failure. I know that I won’t be like my friends who are bound to get 5 offers but I want at least one or hopefully 3 offers. I feel so guilty for not working, feel so inferior to other people almost because I know I’m not as clever, yet I still procrastinate. Typically I don’t spend the time usefully because I know I’ve got schoolwork to do which means I can’t start anything that will take up too much time, yet hours later I’m still aimlessly web surfing. It doesn’t help that one of my friends is hyper revising and damn, I don’t know how people do it. I tried to sit down and do some work today but I gave up after an hour because I couldn’t do it. I plan to sit down over the weekend and try and get through the lovely mountain of work that the teachers are piling on (I really hate how our school has taken us off timetable for things like alternative learning week and upcoming year 11 taster days meaning we miss vital lessons, and know have to do more independent work which we may well end up not understanding (yes, replace we with I)) Exam deadlines are all coming so close and I don’t even remember learning half the syllabus. Not to mention retakes.

And it really matters this time. If I don’t get the grades there are no second chances and that really honestly scares me. Yet no matter how much I want to prove people wrong I’m really so very lazy and my head is just filled with useless thoughts that are nonetheless distracting.

Also my mp3 player is dying. I need music to motivate myself and I don’t like having to use my computer to listen to music because it ultimately ends up distracting me from work. I really want a fancy mp3 player for Christmas, one that plays videos and mp3 but my dad said no : (

It’s so very easy to complain about things :P

Originally published at Honest Lies. Comment here or there.

Today was review day. Basically meaning we have the day off school and only have to go to school for a short meeting with our tutor teachers to talk to them about our progress, our grades etc. The good thing was my appointment to see my tutor was at 2:00pm so I slept in till 12:00 and got ready then read until 1:30 which was relaxing.

Got to school and good day turned bad because my tutor is an asshole, and I’m awkward and together it felt like neither of us were quite getting what the other was saying, at some points having separate conversations and overall it felt more like an interrogation than anything else. My last review appointment was with my old tutor and it was just a nice, casual chat although about the relevant things of course. We did what we had to do, but she didn’t make it uncomfortable. This guy made it feel quite awful. He has this habit of talking to you like you’re still in high school, not in the 6th form college and going on to be an adult. He wasn’t exactly patronising but I didn’t understand what he wanted from me, or what he was saying at times. So I got a bit defensive and said some stupid things which I should have kept to myself, which meant he started interrogating me more and trying to get me to change my attitude (as if I’m some stupid kid who he can influence). It’s obvious he doesn’t like my “blase attitude” (as he described it). Well, sorry but I don’t have all the answers, I don’t set my life out in stone and neither am I about to tell you just how worried I am. You’re really not that important so no to you I am not concerned, I’ll just do what I have to do. And neither do I know what I have to do to better my grades, I don’t have this grande plan of revision and talking to the teachers every second. I’m just cruising along and I don’t care if that means it will lead to my ultimate failure (as he seems to think) because that is how I cope. Once I start thinking I can’t stop and then I worry, over think and get depressed and then I don’t want to work at all. I’m not going to worry about little things like grades on paper because I obviously hope I will do better, and I think although there is still more which I can do so far I’m doing OK with my studies. I am going to be optimistic and keep thinking it will get better even if it makes me blind.

(I sound so immature, so weak and pathetic. I must have sounded like such a stupid cow when I was speaking to him. That’s the worst thing about this- I went away feeling like everything is my fault like I’ve done something terrible wrong by not having all the right answers to his questions.)

I don’t think he likes me, and I don’t like him. It was so very bad. I am adding it to the list of meetings with teachers I had rather forget. This meeting reminded me too much of the meeting with the head of year at the beginning of year 13. An interrogation that makes you feel it’s all your fault you stupid idiot but thankfully I didn’t almost start crying in this one. It was still embarassing and awkward and I can’t help but wonder what comes next. He’s the one writing my report, which my teachers will see.

Damn.

(Can’t help but wonder if my interviews for university are going to turn out this awkward and knowing my ‘wonderful’ luck they will. fml)

Originally published at Honest Lies. Comment here or there.

Originally published at Honest Lies. Comment here or there.

The weather in the UK is horrible right now. It’s freezing cold and it’s raining  (the sort of rain that soaks you without you realising). I’m up to wearing 4+ layers and keeping my scarf on the entire school day. At home I curl up in my pajamas with a fleece blanket. Even then I get cold. It’s horrible and annoying. I think it’s warming up back home in SA too, so all I can think about is how it’s 20+ degrees back there and I’m stuck here in the cold.

Life is OK. Not amazing and I’m in a bad mood today because I’m cold and I’m tired and my teacher is on my back to hand in a reply slip for a letter I really don’t want to give to my parents (aka report) and I would seriously love to speak back to him but I just can’t do that. I don’t get why we have to get out parents to sign to say they received letters. Or rather I wish we didn’t. And I wish he wasn’t the sort of teacher that cared. Everyone else tutors probably don’t give a damn. It’s like back in year 7 through to 11 my tutor teacher was lovely but he was so strict. No bags on table, makeup checks, shirts tucked in and all sorts. I got a detention for something really stupid like not giving a reply slip in and yet everyone else in other tutors gets away with it. It’s not fair. (here ends immature no-valid-arguments rant.)

School is boring too. I like the people I’m around though which makes things a bit better. Also in physics first period my friend brought in cakes for us (so i had cake for breakfast and yes that’s bad but I don’t care. it was nice) and then chemistry we spent half the lesson coloring in which is a lot more fun that it should be and very relaxing. I also like having free periods at convenient times. Today I had one third period before lunch which meant I could go home and laze about. I should have been doing work but instead I sat on YouTube and watched the Jiwhaza episode with Donghae. Certain people are not made for variety. Like Seungri because of how embarrassed he makes you feel for him, and then Donghae because he is so shy and quiet and for some reason people allow him to fade into the background.

Anyway, I have an excuse for coming home and doing nothing. My mom disturbed my sleep with an inane argument with my dad at 6:30 so I ended up sleeping really weird for an hour or so before I got up and combined with a late night I was feeling pretty rubbish.  At home I ate something and rested so felt much better after lunch.

Other thing that is really bugging me the most right now is my university application is stuck in the system and I’m starting to get annoyed. But I’m mainly annoyed at myself for not getting it done earlier. Here are people getting offers and interviews and I’ve not even sent mine. I’m so stupid putting it off. Should have done it in the holidays! I just hope it can go through by the end of this week (just like last week the goal was the end of that week and the week before and so on and so forth). I don’t have much faith in my university application either; I wouldn’t accept me to university so why should they? And then there is the whole case of interviews. I’m terrible at talking and expressing my ideas. Further I’ve put certain things on my personal state,ment which although aren’t untrue are the sort of things I wouldn’t know to to put into words or elaborate on. It’s worrying :/

And with that, I am going to watch a movie. A film called Now I… which is a Japanese movie about a hikikomori who through a serious of events changes or something like that. The reviews I’ve read (all two of them) talk about how amazing it is and I’m curious to see it because of it’s theme. I usually dislike movies where the main characters get saved by someone else randomly entering their lives  because how unrealistic is that? But if done well it should be OK. If the movie turns out boring then I can just watch more Korean variety shows or VS arashi. Homework? Revision? Yeah…

Very last thing: another new layout at honest lies! It is basically the same as the last one, I just wanted it a bit less messy and a bit more colorful. I’m not entirely sure if this is an improvement or not, but I like the colored boxes. I am continuing to put an effort in doing things I haven’t done before and I don’t think I’ve really done multicolored before. And also the sidebar on the left. I tend to dislike putting my sidebar on the left, but it’s there now and so it’s staying.

I still think tumblr style layouts are really hard because it’s so easy to make them appear messy and hard to read.  One day the themes in my head will come out the way I want when I code them. One day.

Originally published at Honest Lies. Comment here or there.

Originally published at Honest Lies. Comment here or there.

“Sometimes the way home takes so long, sometimes I get so tired and exhausted.
As soon as I open the door, I fall asleep and when I wake up, no one is there.
When I lay my body in the small bathtub, a small snail comes to me and whispers in a soft voice
That someday when that day comes, it will go to the ocean at the end of this harsh world” (x)

Did I not mention I love this song? Got it on repeat now. : )

I think am going to, or rather I need to stop spamming the blog with videos. Although I’ve just spent the past half hour or more on Youtube hunting down videos of Yesung singing, and super junior singing because they all have really nice voices and thankfully they show them off on sukira and other radio shows and they often sing really sad ballads which is exactly what I need right now. I don’t want to do much now, I just want a distraction and some comfort: sad ballads sung by your favourite people are thus perfect. I’m tired out, and today was good but coming home was a bit of a mood killer because my mom makes me feel uncomfortable and angry for reasons I’m still trying to figure out. I’m hurting her, and I know I shouldn’t but yet I have this grudge against her and I can’t help myself from acting a cold bitch towards her. I’m a stubborn person and I hold onto things far too much.

But today was good. I got on really well with people today and I had a lot of fun today, and I didn’t have many actual lessons today either (only two!). I had a maths test which I couldn’t do and I still feel like I’m failing all my classes but then third period me and three other friends engaged in a serious word search competition. Forget homework, we took on of the free word searches from the library and we competed to see who could finish first. Even though the prize was only the pride of winning we got very absorbed in it. It took us almost the whole hour and I only came in second but it was a lot more fun than it should be. ^_^ And hey, Second place is pretty awesome. Especially since it was such a ridiculously hard word search. I happened to concentrate more on that than in any of my previous lessons which is slightly…pathetic.

The word search was also stars and constellations and I discovered Cassiopeia is actually a constellation. I never realized that. FAIL I know.

The day continued good because at lunch there was a really small group and so I could include myself a bit more, and I could include myself even more because they were talking about things I understood (no more TV talk! :D) and lol, it was amusing when somehow we got onto blogging and twitter and I ended up confusing my friend majorly by using what must be geek talk. Certain terms are so familiar to me that a) I don’t know how to explain them and b) I forget most people don’t understand. But they didn’t insult me over any of it so I didn’t feel too embarrassed.

Lastly there was citizenship in the afternoon, which is a lesson but isn’t really a lesson as we are only taught for one hour and are then left to our own devices for the next hour; to take on group projects and the like. Me and my friend and some random girl who was a little weird but OK were trying to make bags out of newspaper for a reason which isn’t that important and somehow ended up putting them on our heads as hats. And OK, that is one of those things that is fun at the time but later you can’t help but think “seriously self, WTF”. But oh well.

I need to do some work but I feel so sleepy now…

Originally published at Honest Lies. Comment here or there.

First off- what is up with the whole DBSK situation? I’m so confused and there are about 3 far-too-long articles waiting for me to be read and I feel like just saying no, I’m not interested and just waiting for an outcome. I can’t express an opinion because I feel I shouldn’t jump to any conclusions. (It’s confusing)

Anyway, Today was the first day of school. The good was that I only had two lessons, the bad was the fact it’s school and I hate it. So I managed to wake up on time and I walked with my friends to school, although often i wonder why i walk with them. i like them, but we aren’t really that close and i can’t really get involved in what they say because they have all these similar interests and hang out like 24/7. Sometimes i feel a bit awkward, just trailing after them. We part after getting to school though (thankfully). Today it got even more awkward as I got to school too early, so I end up standing by myself waiting for the bell to ring. I didn’t want to find my other friends. is that bad?

So I had tutor and then just walked straight back home because i had the first two hours free. Spent it on my computer watching Jiwazha and reading fanfiction. Left too early going back to school, with an mp3 player that could die on me at any second and was again left buying time before the bell went. Again I didn’t want to go find people but standing around by yourself, is awkward. Thankfully my mp3 player didn’t die. Lesson began and although I was perfectly find during my frees I became inexplicably exhausted during lessons and couldn’t concentrate on all. Spent the lesson fidgeting and feeling confused because i kept drifting off and missing things. i couldn’t bring myself to care. And then we were sitting around talking about university and damn, remembered how much I’m panicking about this and how I should have already completed my application but I haven’t. I was supposed to do it tonight but so far there has been no progress. Maybe later.

Lunch was equally boring. Everyone talking about other things so I just drifted off again. Then just had one more lesson and I could go home. I’ve been negative and complain-y all day and I know i shouldn’t have been but I really dislike school and going back I’ve been reminded of all my responsibilities, and how i should have been revising (should be revising) and about university and how with some of my friends it feels like outside of school we have nothing in common (and doesn’t that suck) and…yeah. Bad mood right now :/

I would happily become a NEET- stay in my room and in this house and rarely leave. Alas, it’s not quite possible.

I wish I could have spoken to my best friend today but I barely saw her at all :(

Originally published at Honest Lies. Comment here or there.

I can’t believe it’s already Friday. Where has this week gone? Soon it will be back to school, applying to university, getting ever closer to exams… time is passing so quickly. I mean it’s November in just a few days. Just two more months and then another year. It’s quite scary really.

Originally published at Honest Lies. Leave any comments there.

I really wish that tumblr layouts could be imported over to wordpress. Or rather there were more wordpress layouts like tumblr layouts. If there are the wordpress theme viewer is so bloated with crap I don’t think I’d find them. Anyway- I was looking through the layouts on tumblr and some tumblr layouts are so much prettier than wordpress. Simple but gorgeous and functional. And unique; certain tumblr layouts present a very interesting way of presenting a website. Especially cargo and…well cargo. But there are other nice ones too. I just fell in love with cargo and the more I look at it the more I think it will take alot of different scripts to get it over to wordpress- probably alot of javascript and I can’t do anything with java :/

Sometimes, I just feel so sick of this website. I just look at it and I just hate everything about it- the layout, my posts, my stupid about page. Like I could just delete everything, cancel my hosting plan and move permenantly to a free site. When I think it through I know I could never let go of my hosting (not after begging my dad so much for it) and having such freedom with my websites but still.

On saying that right now my hormones are causing me to RAGE and get extremly sad all at once which may have alot to do with my hate towards most things right now. I don’t even get it.

I’m on half term at the moment, and as predicted my grand plan of getting up early and revising fell through without every beginning. I got as far as setting my alarm, but I just sleep through it now. Getting up late, spending time on the internet and going to bed. My life, it’s so very interesting.

Also, my mother is still annoying me. And my father is home from his business trip to South Africa (home!) and he brought gifts from family and food from back home which is good, and it’s nice to see him which is good. I’m waiting for him to get on my back about studying though. I feel uncomfortable around my parents. And now there are two of them to deal with after a 4 weeks+ dealing with one, who goes out alot and leaves me alone. I like being alone and could really do with it right now.

And… I got my Yesung necklace. My mom said it was the most disgusting thing ever, but i love it. I got free super junior stickers too :D

Originally published at Honest Lies. Comment here or there.

Originally published at Honest Lies. Comment here or there.

Extra long blog post to make up for the fact I’ve just been spamming the blog with pictures since I came home Wednesday.

This week was busy. I went away to my sisters place on Sunday until Wednesday. By the time I came back I had 700 entries on livejournal to shift through and who knows how much stuff in my google reader but sometimes it’s nice just to leave everything behind and take a break. The train was ridiculously expensive, I nearly got on the wrong train to Edinburgh and it was colder than I expected in Leeds but I had a good time. It was a pretty awesome few days.

( (stuff about the trip under here) )

Anyway, I came home on Wednesday morning. I had to get up at 6:40 to get a train I missed anyway. Me and my sister sat in Mcdonalds and ate chocolate milkshake and a mcflurry for breakfast respectively and waited for the next one to come. I felt awful after eating ice cream for breakfast… seriously don’t try it.  I then had to eat chips for the second half of my breakfast in an effort to make my stomach settle. It never did. Also journey back’s are always the worst thing even without feeling ill. They drag on forever. Not to mention I nearly fell asleep and missed my stop, thankfully in my half asleep state I recognised I was home just in time to grab my stuff and run off the train.

The day didn’t end there. That evening I went out with my friends. I know, for once I was a normal teenager. Instead of spending the evning in on livejournal or youtube I went out and socialised. It felt good to be normal for once. I love my friends. I’ve found myself in a lovely group this year. I do feel worried that maybe I said or did the wrong thing but I think it was OK. I think I did OK. We went out to the Pub for a small meal, drink and desert. My one friend works there so we went there for her XD She served us and then afterwards we went back to hers and sat around for a little while before heading home. It was lots of fun. But I was really tired from travelling… so by the end of it I was zombie-ing out completely.

Now it’s the half term break so I have another weak off. BUT! Must study. I’ve almost finished my university application and now I’ve chosen what universities to go to there’s no turning back. I need those grades. I need them so much. And I can tell myself that there’s no use trying because I will only fail, I can tell myself it’s useless but I….can’t do that anymore. I have to try. I can do it, I did it in Leeds so I’ll do again next week. I WILL wake up, I WILL study and then still have free time. My plan, watch it fall to dust over the next few days…

Originally published at Honest Lies. Comment here or there.

Last week was pretty average. The usual happened, and then there were the good things like holding charity events that were actually successful (people came!!) and talking to my friend for ages after school on Friday (I hardly ever see her these days and there are certain things I can only speak about with her). The only thing I could complain about is the fact I have a mentor for chemistry now, a teacher assigned to me to give me extra work and help with revision, which would be a good thing if it wasn’t for the fact that the teacher I have been assigned is a teacher I absolutely hate. I’ve had him for 3(4?) years and he hasn’t taught me anything. Now he acts like there are only two people in the class (when there are 7) and is really bitchy towards me. I’m gonna put up with him and see if it turns out OK otherwise I’ll take my friends advice and say something, or get my sister to say something for me as she is close to one of the other chem teachers.

Unfortunatly on Friday it all hit the fan. The week really only took a horrible turn when my mom who has been pissing me off for months, did something horrible and I ended up storming out the house and not returning for about 3 hours. I would say I ran away, except it was more I ran out. I just felt such anger and hurt and I knew if I didn’t walk it off I would hurt my mom or say something stupid. So I grabbed the first two things I could think of, my mp3 and my school purse and stormed out the house. It really isn’t as glamorous as the books make out. I was cold, felt sick, thirst and my legs hurt as I wandered aimlessly though the village, and then went down to the river and took a footpath along there before finally sitting on a dodgy tree trunk and staring off into space for ages. Bought a chips and chocolate before I set off and eating that gave me something to do otherwise it was just me, the silence and my thoughts. My stupid mp3 player’s battery died and in my anger I had forgotten my phone and my actual wallet (with my bank card and most of my money) so I was bored out my mind. and cold. All I had on was a thin hoodie and an even thinner tshirt, I had again forgotten to grab a coat. If I’d remembered to bring my phone I could have gotten in touch with my sister, if I’d remembered my wallet I could have taken a train and gone somewhere. But I really didn’t think of it. I was just angry. I didn’t want to go home again but I was bored out my mind, and cold and thirsty and kind of needed the toilet so I had to eventually. Thankfully my mom went out later. I did a stupid act of revenge I probably shouldn’t have, and wrote her a 3 page letter (a very angry, bitter one) for her to read when she came home.

I’ve still not forgiven her.

Thankfully next week we (at school) are off timetable. so I’m going to my sisters place tomorrow for a few days. I will be able to spend time with my sister, and also have a quiet place to do my schoolwork/revision. I’m really excited and happy to be getting away from home for a bit. Also on Wednesday when I come back, that evening I will be spending time with my friends. I’m glad I have all these plans because otherwise I’d just be sitting around feeling shit and not getting anything done (and if I don’t do my schoolwork and revision now I’m not getting into university).

So yes, I need to go pack now. Expect updates in a few days :D

ps. new layout. simple but hopefully not boring ^^